Introductions

Being the hick of the apartment, I am all for southern hospitality. So it’d be rude of me to not introduce my roommates and give you a little snapshot of their lives.

Landy

Hometown: Some shitty south suburb, IL

Height: 6’ 5”

Weight: pre-burrito king: 210 lbs / post-burrito king: 235 lbs

Strengths: Knowing everyone and their uncle on campus, passing out mid-conversation, Jack Daniels, snoring

Weaknesses: Jack Daniels, Brock, gas prices

Landy is the classic good guy on campus. He’s also the classic alcoholic. He’s also proud of his 330,000-view youtube video from high school, but not so proud of his considerably less-viewed video on facebook. His living quarters are the dungeon, also referred to as the basement, and more often than not, the wonderful stale beer-smell will hit fill your nostrils as you’re walking down the stairs. He claims to be good at beer pong, but his skills are relatively unproven against people other than Brock and Brock’s brother, who is also named Brock (we think). He dislikes Jerry Reinsdorf almost as much as he dislikes the French. His family enjoys large vehicles, and we believe they have yet to hear of the concept of “going green”. He also bartends on a boat sometimes in a little city whose name rhymes with Shmishmago, so ladies, get to know this handsome gentleman.

DJ Pauly D-LO

Hometown: Mexico

Height: 6’ 1”

Weight: 2007: 170 2008: 250 2011: 180 (he’s a wildcard)

Strengths: Freshmen, 21, scissoring with men, convincing randoms to kiss each other, chest hair

Weaknesses: he drives a Kia, gambling, pop music

Pauly D-LO is the suave one of the group. His methods of wooing women involve setting a hat on the ground and dancing around it in circles repeatedly. Somehow, it works, with women of all ages (I know what you’re thinking, but don’t worry, he ID’s. 18 means 18, ladies.), shapes, and sizes. However, as good as he is playing the lead role, he’s an absolutely awful wingman. He made out with CrazyMel once. That was awesome. He also apparently has a job on campus, but the rest of us are convinced he just drives around in his super cool Kia for a couple hours, then comes back explaining how “his project lead really enjoys the direction he’s taking” (bullshit). He was also once featured in a Bill Simmons mailbag, but chances are he’s already told you that story six hundred times. He’s a muy bueno guy.

Cliff103.5

Hometown: Not Chicago even though he often says Chicago, IL

Height: 5’ 8”

Weight: 150 lbs

Strengths: super fly dance moves, super fly beats, super fly kicks, ebonics

Weaknesses: an unhealthy obsession with uniforms

Cliff103.5 the type of people make the club get crunk. He is one of the greatest individuals you will ever meet on this campus, nay, on this Earth. He may be white on the outside, but is definitely the darkest of the 103.5 crew (which, in reality, isn’t really saying much). His passions include beats, shoes, and uniforms, not necessarily in that order. He also rents cars for a living. He will also spend hours repeatedly watching the same 5-second clip of a Chris Brown music video in order to get the dance move down. That’s dedication. While Pauly D-LO made a Simmons mailbag, Cliff103.5 made a slightly lesser known mailbag some guy writes about uniforms, which is pretty cool too (I guess). One of his favorite activities involves getting hammered at a bar, jogging home, then puking because he made the awful decision of jogging home. He is also this college’s head marketer for Sun Drop soda, and has the free 12-pack and letter from the company to prove it. He’s a true A+ individual.

So there you have it. Stay classy.

XOXO,

La103.5Mike